Words by ALAN ANDERSON
Music by CHARLY LUCAS

I can play the banjo like Steve Stabler ("he can't")
On slide trombone I'm just as good as John ("oh yes, which end?)
Like François' my percussion calls for no discussion ("come on")
My rhythm sticks can really turn it on ("they turn me off").

They say my saxophone is something special ("who says?")
They say I've every reason to feel proud ("feel what?")
And like Charly I'm an ace ("ace clot")
When I play the double bass ("get real")
But I wish I played the Horn like Graham Stroud.

Yes I wish I played the Horn like Graham Stroud
But I'm useless playing soft or playing loud ("like John Fallas")
I've done everything I should but I'm still not very good
Oh I wish I played the Horn like Graham Stroud.

(brief unmusical Horn solo!)

I bought myself the same French horn as Graham's
A Paxman double, model 23
But in the Palais des Beaux Arts, when I played my solo parts
The audience went out and had their tea.

So I wish I played the Horn like Graham Stroud
And had the talent that he's been endowed
He's just like Dennis Brain and it's driving me insane
'cos I can't even play like Graham Stroud.

(Horn solo of verses one and two followed by vocal chorus)

I've watched him play the Mozart horn concertos
He makes them look a simple piece of cake
When he plays the allegretto, I reach for my stiletto
Or better still a great big wooden stake.

So I wish I played the Horn like Graham Stroud
Blokes like him just shouldn't be allowed
I'm feeling suicidal, when faced with such as rival
Oh I wish I played the Horn like Graham Stroud can play the Horn
Oh yes I wish I played the Horn like Graham Stroud.